to live or not to live
I felt very drained when I woke up this morning and very, very tired. I think my quality of sleep is also just exceptionally poor. I wished to continue drowsily fading in and out, as it felt so comforting and safe, BUT I did indeed have to wake up to wash my hair and get ready to go out with Maddy.
Sleep has been eluding me, unfortunately. Whether I have the tv on or off, take sleeping medicine, or feel tired, I consistently wake up throughout the night and have so much trouble trying to fall back asleep. I have been feeling more calm recently (which still isn’t very calm, however calmer, at least) so this has allowed for me to have just a general more Zen feeling when trying to fall asleep again, woohoo. she says sarcastically haha
Maybe my mind is slowly becoming more at peace, I’m not quite sure.
Today just felt a bit like wasting time. No offense, Maddy. But, I just can't with you, right now.
I’ve realized recently that this is a very typical feeling I seem to have where I just can’t deal with people. I just shut down and really, really don’t care about what comes out of my mouth. I don’t know if it’s a sense of my feelings or person just being SO dragged through the mud that I feel angry or just lifeless, but I truly do feel unalive sometimes.
I hope this feeling doesn’t continue because I fear it could lead to detrimental feelings that may impede on my ability to want to live and survive, consider the point of living, so on and so forth.
I perked up after getting home and trying to sleep (didn’t happen but a restful time was indeed had), so I made some cucumber, olive, cheese, chick pea (lol) salad to bring to work and store to eat for the next few days. I also created a strawberry iced tea, lemonade concoction to sip on at my desk. And here I am, eating my salad, sipping my tea, writing my silly, little thoughts, and preparing to read my book. What a life to live. Just so much black inside such a light world.
When will the cloud dissipate? At least God knows.
p.s. I actually was given a task, I spoke too soon. LOL
To Canva, I go.