most of the dandelions had changed from suns to moons pg. 73
Excerpts from past days journal entries
I feel like I’m in a state of contentment and peace that I know God will guide my future and has a path before me that will be good. I have trust in God and it has allowed me somewhat of an inner peace that everything will ultimately be okay.
I do feel very different from a few days ago. [REDACTED] I’m sure I’ll be back in that state of mind at some point in the near future. But for now, I feel at peace, with him and my future and everything intertwined.
I also had a dream last night (J and I spent the night at his parent’s house) that I was vomiting mice. Some of the mice were alive and some were dead. It was honestly quite disturbing.
J and I have spent the night together two nights in a row at this point. It was all very exciting and stuff but I sent a text today that I was going to allow us some space and wished him well with his next few days. [REDACTED]
Either way, it’s a good step! Go Kyrra!! I’m so proud of you.
The mice dream apparently means I’m trying to let go of anxieties that are either still existent now (the live mice that scurried away after leaving my body) or not existent anymore. I think this made sense but it was really interesting for me to consider, still.
[REDACTED] sent me a song on Spotify and I opened it only to find his new name staring smack dab at me from inside my phone’s screen. It hit me like a brick suddenly.
The deceit that my life has been. The deceit that my life has been. [REDACTED]
How to cope with this, I’m unsure.
I just began to hyperventilate and my hands went numb and I couldn’t breathe. I tried to call J when it was starting but no answer. We are trying to not speak to each other right now.
I think this is perhaps all the emotions I’m suppressing building up to this point of feeling drunk in feeling. Unsteady on my feet and in my brain. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m trying right now, I guess.
I feel like I need J. I want him so badly. I want his arms to pull me in and wrap me up. I need that.
I don’t know why this is happening. I’ve felt so okay with [REDACTED] changing. I’ve been okay, so okay with it. But now I just feel reckless in emotion.
Maybe my whole life I’ve been panicking, really.
I’m sorry it hurts for you. [REDACTED]
He’s going to come here to save the day and give me a hug. Although he doesn’t want to, I feel like I need him, too. I need to know I’m worth something. I need that reassurance every once in a while.
I don’t know why I reacted how I did to what [REDACTED] sent. It’s not all such a big deal. It hasn’t felt like one, at least. But things happen when you least expect and I do just think because I was bottling so much up, it all decided to come out in the form of a bit of a melt down. Poor Kyrra.
Thinking about myself in the third person is helpful. Sad Kyrra, poor Kyrra. Her ex-boyfriend is coming to give her a hug and show her she means something. She should be able to find this closure herself, but isn’t she on a journey doing just that? It doesn’t mean she might not need a boost of encouragement every now and then. She’s just human, after all.
At the end of it all, we went to bed around 1:15am and then in bed we began kissing and fondling each other. He eventually went down on me and it felt amazing.
After he made me come, he asked exactly what I wanted. He said, ‘do you want me to fuck you?’ and I nodded encouragingly. He went to grab the last condom in our possession and came over to me laying on my side, butt facing him. He asked me if that was how I wanted it and I moaned a yes.
He found my opening with the head of his erection and slowly pressed into me until he entered. It felt spectacular. Ugh. Sex is just so good. It feels like we’re made for each other. We had sex like that for a while until he flipped me over completely onto my stomach and pounded into me from behind as I lay limp. I got a pillow from in front and put it under my stomach, which was surprisingly a position we had never done before. It was very satisfying and hit a new spot.
Then, he turned me back over onto my back and pressed into me completely so we became like one. He held my hips firmly against his body and continued pounding into me, still. Then he moved my legs and feet so they were positioned onto his torso and hit the most amazing spot.
Then we switched so I was riding him and shifting on his penis for what felt like forever but also no time at all. It just itches this deep itch inside of me and it’s a feeling so euphoric and drug-like, I would stay in it forever if I could. Ignoring the aches and pains from my knees and the energy depleting out of me.
He came in this position deep inside of me, as I continued riding him to milk the last drops out of his tip.
Then, we went to sleep and slept well on and off until around 9:15am. It was good rest and much needed. I got up from bed and started the coffee pot and then got back into bed to cuddle some more until the roast was brewed. We drank our coffee together for a little while and then began talking about our day ahead. I started getting ready for work and we talked for the whole hour until we had to go our separate ways. We spoke about the space we need and just being there for each other. We both care.
I miss the moon.
I just opened my blinds and looked out the window to see the glorious moon to the northwest. I miss that. I miss observing nature so openly and naturally, day in and day out. Unfortunately, it’s a real challenge to be able to observe nature at night or in the evening as a woman. It’s a scary thing to take a walk in the dark or go out to a park somewhere alone. I miss having my person to go do that with.
Whether it’s the night walks or night drives to Lost Grove to just run around and be crazy, I miss it all. More than I can express. It leaves a very heavy feeling in my chest and an ache in my throat.
I miss it all. Yes, I can admit that. I do, truly.
[REDACTED]
At the end of the day, no self pity, no self loathing. We can be a happy girl. We have so much good in our life. [REDACTED]
I also really want to take therapy a specific direction, I don’t want it to take me.