lower your expectations
Not everyone is going to understand you. Not everybody will want to understand you.
There’s such beauty in allowing yourself to let go of expectations that others need to understand a point to what you’re doing or who you are or who you want to become. Because no one is YOU. Only you are you, and only you are completely aware of what is best for you.
I’ve always struggled with expectations. I’ve always set the bar so high because intrinsically I felt that everyone’s value system should mirror mine, meaning everybody should / will act as I do. So in any situation where I was wronged or caught off guard by a response, there was no accepting that perhaps this person is just different than myself; instead, it was an attempt to solve this “problem” or mystery of why / how they could mistreat me in this way if they truly cared for me. And it was something I could never actually solve because the answer isn’t so simple.
Yes, everyone naturally measures their interactions with others to themself and how they might interact with someone in that similar scenario. And yes, everyone measures everyone else up to their own value system. So how do we break away from setting expectations onto others?
Well, first, there’s the question of why are these expectations being set in the first place. Is this due to setting unconscious standards for friends or partners to fulfill emotional needs that you cannot provide for yourself? Is it a desire for control so if you set a script for others to follow, you feel you’ll be able to predict the outcome? Or maybe it’s a culmination of reasons simply based on assuming similarity bias. Either way, it’s important to understand the why.
It’s an ignorant bias to assume that everyone is like you. And you may think more emotionally or feel deeper BUT this does not make you better than others. It simply makes you different. And there is a point in navigating the world to find others that are similar to us because this is what makes life so fulfilling. And this may mean keeping your circle small or having high standards but if that is what fills your cup because you are let down often, that’s okay to acknowledge!
There is a point in lowering your expectations but not necessarily lowering your standards. In being able to lower your expectations, you may not expect for everyone around you to care for you or see you for who you are BUT this can also allow for you to see others for who they are and not rely on people that are unreliable. For example, there is a benefit in being able to view people objectively for who they are and not take offense to their personal downfalls. So in doing this, you may be able to differentiate who you should talk to about a certain problem or experience, and it’s okay to categorize someone and understand they just may not be helpful to speak to about one thing or another.
This train of thinking can be attributed in both big and small ways. You could use this level of thinking with coworkers as well as with family members. It’s all about understanding that everyone is different and not everyone is helpful to you all the time. And to some degree, this feels incredibly frustrating to almost have to accept that you can’t or shouldn’t talk to a friend about a problem because it’s shown to be a pattern that they just make you feel worse off. And their response has nothing to do with you or who you are, and everything to do with them.
It can hurt to think that someone is simply not responding to you in a way that would be helpful for you because they don’t care for you because this typically is untrue. For a long, long time I viewed my interactions with everyone in this way. Whether it came to my relationship with my partner or my parent or my friend. I just never understood why they weren’t responding how I wanted them to respond. And when they didn’t respond in the way I had hoped they would, my mind would immediately tell me that they don’t care for me, etc., etc. because I couldn’t seem to understand that they do care for me but they have their own level of thinking and their own value system and their own expectations.
And it’s so freeing to understand that everyone has their own set of standards and they may think they’re being helpful when they actually aren’t, BUT this isn’t intentional. Don’t take it personally! They’re reacting in a way that they feel is correct, and that’s okay. And although this may feel obvious, a lot of obvious truths are not actually considered as often as they should be.
So, consider the obvious. We are all so different from one another and don’t feel discouraged when those differences shine through more and more. Be careful and selective, and set those standards as high as you like for you are deserving of the peace, happiness, and fulfillment that comes with having people close to you that are alike to you. But don’t take offense to the majority that don’t see you for who you are because you’ll most likely spend your lifetime navigating the world confused and frustrated, and nobody wants that.
Much love!