i'm a watermelon slammed into your driveway
The clearest thing he ever did was break my heart. The most apparent, overt thing he ever did was break up with me. And this is so bitter sweet to acknowledge because it allows a sense of clarity but it also creates a feeling of despair that the love was not more. Why was there not more love? Although the sadness is there already and has been there for months now. When does the feeling fade? When will the gloom disappear? And if you already struggle with putting yourself in the light instead of the dark, how will you ever escape it now? I wonder if it will simply always follow you, but I think this is a poor attitude. Finding fulfillment and value in your own solitude is peaceful.
I’m trying to consider what the most reeling parts of a long-term break up are. I think there’s a million aspects that are horribly shocking to the system and challenging to grapple with because it’s taking away this complete sense of normalcy you’d come to sink into and love day to day. So physically, no more hugging or sleeping together or coming home after a long day at work and being wrapped up in them isn't for the faint of heart. But there’s ways to cope with that a bit better, in my opinion. For me, it’s that indescribable sense of understanding you do have to live your life still and you have this future that maybe no longer even feels hopeful or like yours, but you have to keep going. It’s the existential dread of it all, waking up in the middle of the night, so in disbelief that you’re alone on a couch in an empty, unfamiliar apartment while the tv shines its light towards you, kept on in some hope of escaping the void feeling. But it’s not even conscious, it’s just this absolute dread of even waking up and realizing it wasn’t all just some long nightmare. Maybe if I pinch myself a little harder, I’ll be back in the house, in the bed, half out of the cotton sheets I got you for Christmas last year, with your whole body wrapped around me. Everything is just as it should be. But no longer.
And it’s all fine and I know it’ll be okay, but there’s just that crazy disillusionment of it all. And I wish it all could have been different but I understand it can’t. And sometimes that’s just the truth. And there’s not a self help book that can help you get by or a big enough dose of a drug to allow you to forget. It’s just moving through and understanding it is what it is. What’s meant for me will find me.