excerpt from journal entry 4/2/23
What is the idea of a “crazy pixie dream girl” and why is it so appealing, not only for men but women as well. The appeal in being crazy, never being stable, always going insane, it has so much lore, I’m unable to pinpoint why. But I ask myself constantly, why do you act the way you do? Why do you say the things you do? Are you really who you appear, are you really who you think you are? How do I know who I really am? If I’m simply made up of a compound of ideas and thought processes that have come to create me, am I really anyone besides who I think I am? But why do I not feel like myself then? Why do I feel like I’m not me? How do I feel like myself? How do I truly soul-search and find myself? I want to know who I am. I want to know what makes me, me. But again, why am I not just as I am, a compound of ideas that I’ve come to agree or disagree with, an array of morals and values that I’ve accepted along the way. I’m simply what is around me, I simply am me. Because when I look at an alluring girl in an ad, I want to be her; look like her, act like her. But then I’ll feel that I am as good as her, in fact, maybe I’m better than her. The allure I have, the charm I have, is me. But why do I only feel like me when I’m alone? Who am I when I’m with others? I don’t have the same personality as when I’m alone.