Day 28 - What Does Happiness Mean To Me?
I'm confused. I'm confused who I am and who I want to be.
Sometimes I read something I wrote, and it reminds me of my mom's melodrama and I cringe. But sometimes I truly feel a certain way, and it does feel dramatic but it's truly my feeling. But feelings are fleeting. Dreams don't mean anything, dreams are from your own subconscious that is evil and filled with selfish contentment.
Sometimes I feel stupid and like a poser because who am I really, who am I? I don't have an answer. I've attempted to find identity through answering questions like "what's your favorite flower?" or "what are your hobbies?" but does this mean anything... really? No. It's just another facade to create an image for yourself so others can perceive you a certain way. But then, I wonder. Maybe it's all just trying too hard. It's all so backwards.
Don't begin the hobby just so you can tell people about your hobby, who you are. I think we all just want to feel seen; we all want to feel known. Oh, she's so creative and crochets and paints and reads, and he's so athletic, he's run a marathon and a triathlon and he's even creative, too! Did you know one of his photos went viral? Hm, do I even care? Do I care about myself and my image? I don't know... I think so.
The bottom line is that you should be focused on what brings you joy, not having to do with a single other person, not having to prove something to anyone. I think trying too hard to be happy will make a person unhappy. But how can you be without trying? How can you live without effort? You have to employ at least some, it's all so confusing.
I've recently been not enjoying my therapist. She says general, stereotypical things about men and how they never change and talks about her own relationship struggles to attempt to allow for me to relate but I just sit there feeling like I'm slowly becoming her therapist instead her being mine. I think I don't know what I want. I always thought I was so sure of myself and my future and my envisionment for something happy. But I feel like the closer I get to that, the harder I have to try to be happy. I don't know, though, really. I think sometimes when you have too much good, you get caught up in it and become entitled. You think you deserve good all the time and can use your not-so-ample past to defend that entitlement. In reality, no one deserves anything.
Happiness is not deserved and when you are never giving of yourself, you don't feel good. It makes you feel like you need to maintain control of that entitlement and then allows for you to become upset with someone when they act in a way that isn't in line with that entitled feeling. If someone upsets your day-to-day living, it's all their fault. Not at all your own because you have an entitled expectation in the first place. Hm, maybe look inwards. Yeah, you.
Maybe the books I read and find comfort in are just destroying me.
I need to find out who I am.