Day 28 Part 2 - What Happiness Means To Me
I think happiness to me is peace. And I have known this and I want this, desperately even. But I have not wired my brain to truly want peace.
Whether this has to do with my upbringing or my mistakes in life, it does not matter. It is within my own responsibility to bring peace to myself. I must become the master of this within my own brain and my own life or else I will never truly have this. I will always search out chaos and explosiveness and then sit and wonder, "why do I not have this one thing I want?" I need to practice the ability to sit with my feelings and understand they are fleeting. I need to retain the understanding that my heart and everyone's heart is truly evil. We all seek for ourselves; we do not give of ourselves freely to others. We have selfish ambitions and think selfish, ignorant thoughts.
My social anxiety is just pitting myself as a victim in my brain because I think everyone is against me and I'm just a little lamb within a crowd of hungry wolves, licking their lips while watching me stumble waiting to pounce so they can rip my brain out. It's so self-focused. Nobody cares. But you can't rewire your brain so easily. And really, I don't even care. I don't care if it's a self-centered approach, I don't like speaking out in groups and I don't think telling myself these things will help me. They'll only diminish my worth more. I need to find security.
Happiness to me is walking into a sun filled room, with open windows and a slight wind blowing through causing the curtains to lift up peacefully in a draft. It's music filling the air and animals gathering around you with smiles underneath their little eyes. And bright colors, like a vase full of flowers on the table. And it's walking into a room and immediately looking at your significant other to smile at each other because you are what make each other so happy and at peace. You are what mean so much. Happiness is just a good life. Slow and maybe, sometimes uneventful. Sometimes stormy but then, after, the renewing effect shining bright on the grass and flowers and trees, and on you.
Happiness is being present and not worrying about tomorrow. It's knowing that just as the birds are fed each and every day, you will be fed, too. It's singing out loud and not thinking about how you might be perceived. And I think most of all, happiness is knowing you are loved and accepted and that after all that inevitably happens, always having that feeling to come back to.