Day 27 - How Can I Be Me?
Only one week until we leave on our second extended trip of 2026. It feels like yesterday that we got back from Anna Maria and honestly, I don't feel all that ready to go. Instead of flying, we are driving (woohoo!), so we'll be heading out on Monday but not actually reach our true destination until Tuesday evening. We are making quite a few intentional detours on the way there and back home, so it should be full of eventful memories.
Easter has come and gone, and I think my favorite part was going to church. It was so celebratory of Jesus' resurrection, and I had never really been to an Easter morning service that was so... exhilarating, so it was a nice feeling. There was clapping and laughing and loud singing, and it genuinely felt like excitement because of the holiday.
On the topic of religion, I've been considering recently why I always feel so uncomfortable bringing up religion to people. Unless I'm talking to my partner or my family, I feel entirely uncomfortable and even like I might offend someone. My views are not offensive; in fact, I'm a very loving individual. But for some reason I just always have this level of discomfort to bring up my faith or spirituality.
I want to embrace my faith and grow more in my spiritual journey, but I think this is challenging when I don't ever even want it to be brought up. I don't know if it's a sense of feeling judged or maybe considering the impact other people who claim to be Christians have on non-Christians.
It's like a strange sensation, though, because I feel there's just a lack of care generally from a lot of people regarding spirituality, and I almost feel like if I talk about Lent or anything regarding faith, it's as if I'm trying to give off an air that I'm better than them. This is completely untrue, but I feel like I'm worried about people thinking this. I think, boiled down, I don't want to offend people, or rather, I don't want people to feel offended by me because they choose to generalize me after that point. But maybe that's just what I needed to realize. I am not a bad person because I want to embrace my spirituality and if someone chooses to distance themself from me because they make generalized assumptions about what my beliefs are, then I can't do anything about that.
Either way, Easter was good considering we got to see family and celebrate the holiday.
I wish I just had someone, like a friend, who I could talk to about faith from a relatability lens, but I don't really know of anyone currently due to how small my circle is. If I was more interactive at the church we are trying to attend, I could probably meet someone I could possibly find a friend in, but we haven't reached that step yet and daresay, I don't know if we will. It's a scary thing to branch out and going to church already gets my blood pumping when we are asked to greet people around us. I always feel a bit singled out for not knowing most people because a group of regulars will usually make their way over to us and ask our names, how long we've been trying their church, etc. I know they're just trying to be friendly but that isn't what reels a socially anxious person in, I must admit.
I also don't have a very compatible work schedule for regularly attending church, so it becomes tough to feel any connections with others. I was interested in attending a Wednesday night small group and I did write a blog about intentions and following through with them, so maybe I can make it a goal to attend a Wednesday night small group service before the end of... this year. Ugh. I'm so silly. This should be something fun and enjoyable, but I choose to make it scary and daunting. More like a chore than a privilege.
Anyway, I'll stop writing and go look at their website to see if I can extract some information!