Day 20 - Extending Interests
In the past, I've very much struggled with hobbies due to the fact that I have a tendency to see them as work, as well as compare.
I was taking a walk with J the other day, and we were discussing our being without social media. I was explaining that whenever I used to scroll on TikTok or YouTube, I would complete a chore, and instead of decompressing after the fact by painting or reading, I would simply see that as more work, so instead I would scroll. Scrolling was looked at as a reward in my brain and reading or picking up one of my hobbies was looked at as more work. This became really harmful because at some point my brain began associating scrolling with dopamine as a reward for completing a task, so it rewired my brain in a way to think that whenever I did anything relatively hard, I deserve to scroll.
This was so detrimental, as well, because anything relatively hard included reading or painting or crocheting. These are not activities that deserve to be rewarded for, because these are just activities I should want to do in my free time. But my entire life was defined by when I was rewarded with more scroll time and my brain constantly wanted it.
Anyway, I recently began painting again. I've painted multiple pictures and although it was hard to pick up a paint brush and search my mind for some creative idea, I did it. And I realized that after doing it once, it makes it much easier to do it again and again. I don't have such a comparison aspect to everything I do and instead I'm just satisfied with my personal progress, as well as the fact that once I'm finished, I've always created a colorful image.
I'm so, so proud of myself for moving past that hump in the road and trying again because I really never wanted to paint again just a couple months ago. And the reasoning behind this was not because I didn't want to actually paint, but because I didn't know how to address the negative, hard feelings after messing up and then ultimately comparing my work to someone else's. I would feel so disappointed in what I'd made and felt that I had just wasted so much time, so why even try at that point. But... I've pushed through and I'm SO happy I made that effort. It's been so rewarding; much more than scrolling.
Reading Update:
I finished "Wuthering Heights" and "Come Watch the Sun Go Home". I started reading "Emma" by Jane Austen yesterday to keep up my old English reading ability and have gotten about 140 pages in. I'm really enjoying "Emma" and have in fact always wanted to read some Jane Austen novels but would begin and then become intimidated due to not understanding certain concepts because my vocabulary felt limited. I think I just have a clearer mind due to the lack of shit I'm consuming and it feels a lot easier to read a hard book. I am also still reading "Let Them", but it's on the back burner.
I'm contemplating my travel book to bring on our trip in a week and a half, so I might bring Emma (assuming I'm not finished yet), as well as another Jane Austen novel.