changing season
I think I have a deep fear of becoming less loveable the more you come to know me.
I don’t really understand myself. I actually do like my personality but I’m so afraid no one else does. But I also know I’m fun and enjoyable and I know when people find me interesting and witty and I can observe that, YET I still find a way to invalidate the goodness within myself.
And I think ultimately I sort of just feel rotten to the core. I may look pretty or kind or positive but I know my deepest, worst qualities and I have this inclination that I’m the worst human on this whole Earth. Ugh. Do you think so, too? That’s what I thought.
I submitted “Because Roses Were Never Without Thorns” today. I feel very accomplished. I really love it. I did have to cut about 250 words so it’s been a busy last two days. And a humble thank you to [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] for their utmost support / assistance. I couldn’t have done it without you.
I do feel content, though. I feel rough around the edges, burnt out, exhausted, BUT I feel good. I’m enjoying the changing season. I’m observing what’s around me. I’m enthralled in the people in my life. I feel appreciated. I feel scared, too, of change and newness. But I’m happy to have that feeling. Things are shifting and moving and it’s all a part of the grand scheme that we refer to as life. I’m just having fun and trying to bask in that, I think. Maybe not focus so much on logistics and money and all those boring–utterly important, still–but awful things. They don’t matter. I just don’t have enough determination for those things right now. I’d rather focus on who I am and who I’m becoming. I want to feel proud of myself through everything I do and every breath I take. I want to attract goodness. And I have been, but I want more.
I feel like I’m going through life without a manual and I just desperately want one, need one. Please! Someone tell me what to do.